Tidbits

Random things:

1. Lynde Inc. made some money! Last month's revenue was small compared to the fat paychecks I used to get in St. Louis, but astronomical compared to recent months' income, which was nothing. Maybe the days of feeling like I work for free are over for a while. Now begin the days of working for pittance.

2. I played guitar again in church. People clapped! Not at the end of the song to say, "Good job," but in the middle of the song, along with the rhythm. There were white protestants in Kansas clapping along to music in church! I was surprised the newspeople didn't show up to cover it. Maybe they'll come this weekend when I get out the purple Fender Strat again.

3. We have neighbor kids now. M and B - eight-year-old twins - love to come over and jump on the trampoline with V. She loves having playmates close by. I am in Heaven because M and B entertain my daughter for hours while I get stuff done.

4. V will be going to a different school for second grade. Yep, that's how we like it - a new school for every grade. I did the best I could to try to find the right school for V before we moved here, but the place we chose just hasn't been the best fit. It's not horrible or anything, but it hasn't met PC's and my high expectations for the education of our child. At the same time, Wichita Public Schools decided shift boundaries next year to accommodate some new schools. Our family is in an area that will have to switch schools. I have done a lot of research, gone to several meetings and visited other schools, and it seems like the change to a new school will be positive for V. The great news is that M and B - who currently go to a magnet school - will also go to the new school. Hopefully that will make the change easier for V.

5. Throughout the school choice saga, I have repeatedly heard the sighs of a thousand homeschool moms in my head. There are a lot of challenges when you send your kid to public school, especially when you have high moral and academic standards for your child. I don't want people to think that we are subjecting our child to maltreatment at the hands of public school students and educators. Nor do I want to be thought of as a lemming, going along with public school without giving it any thought. The truth is, PC and I gave this choice a lot of thought. We considered public, private and homeschool for V, and we made the choice we thought was best for our family. I know I don't have to justify myself, but sometimes it feels good to do so anyway.

6. I officially suck at blogging. If you are even still here, I applaud you. I write blogs in my head all day. My inner monologue is like one long blog post. By the end of the day, though, I am so tired I just don't have it in me to pull together a coherent piece of writing. Even now, my head is resting on the back of the couch because I'm too tired to hold it up.

7. Eating gummy bears while resting your head on the back of the couch is dangerous. I just nearly snorfled one. Reminds me of that time, long ago, when I had so much free time I could plot Google maps to track interesting and odd events in my life. At least we have Twitter now. I can usually come up with 144 characters to capture the occasional speed bumps of oddity life brings.

Home

Taken the day we moved.

Home creeps in subtly. One day you look around and see familiar things. You get used to driving the city streets. "New friends" become just "friends." You readjust your habits to the new environment and remember to throw the trash under the side of the sink without the garbage disposal.

When we left St. Louis five months ago, I felt like I was diving off a cliff into the dark unknown. Looking back, it was more like stepping off a curb. We had plenty of support waiting for us here, but we couldn't see it until we took that tiny step that felt like a giant leap. I couldn't imagine what life would be like away from my old home, now I can't imagine what it would be like if we hadn't come to Wichita.

I still miss my STL peeps like crazy. My social circles there were so cemented they had titles: the LSFers, the Village, the Ladies. We had nicknames and inside jokes and history together. I wanted my life there to be, well, my life, not just a stopover on the journey. But, in reality, it's all just a stopover. As I settle into my new home, I am remembering Hebrews 11:13 - 16:

They admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would hve had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Beauty shop baby

Saturday we made our second trip to the beauty shop to have V's hair professionally styled. Our first trip was mid-December. I didn't intend to wait so long between appointments, but the beauty shop mixed up a few things, delaying our trip by about three weeks.

Good to go with a fruit roll and iPod.

Our stylist, Ms. Princess, is truly a gift from God. I like her positivity most of all. She also uses the right kind of products (no petrolatum or alcohol), appreciate's V's naturally curly hair and has the patience of a grandmother. But most of all she makes our time at the salon joyful with her upbeat attitude. She washes, deep conditions, combs, styles and trim's V's hair in two hours. V comes away with shiny, straight hair that will last about a week. After that week I will put V's hair into a simple style, like braided pigtails, for a week. Then we'll need a full wash-condition-comb-braid session. I will put in cornrows, box braids, yarn extensions, or something that can last about two weeks. Then we'll just have one more week until we see Ms. Princess again, during which time I'll take down the complicated style and let V. wear her hair loose.

Our new hair care routine has been a stress reliever. V and I have fewer marathon braiding sessions. Also, I am learning a lot of Ms. Princess. For me, going to the salon with V is like going to hair college for two hours. Here are a two of my take-aways from watching Ms. Princess:

1) More. Moisture. You would think by now I would have the whole moisture thing down. I've blogged about it before. But I am still learning that you cannot put too much moisturizer on African hair (as long as the product is a good, healthy product). If I was putting a river of moisturizer into V's hair, Ms. Princess pours it on like Niagara Falls. Think gallon instead of cup, hose instead of drinking straw, trowel instead of spoon. The proof is in how soft V's hair is after a trip to the salon. I've also learned that the best time to add moisture is when the hair is soaking wet and the follicles are open. After washing I slick about 1/3 cup of coconut oil and olive oil into V's hair. It combs out like buttah and stays smooth longer.

2) A little heat doesn't hurt. Ms. Princess recommended that I blow-dry V's hair after washing to stretch it out and make it easier to style. Having the hair stretched makes a big difference in keeping the tangles out while I'm styling. Blow drying only takes about 20 minutes but can save an hour of parting/combing time.

V was pretty frisky after sitting at the salon for two hours, so I couldn't get a good "after" picture. But here she is the next day eating spaghetti. She loves how her pigtails blow in the wind.

Just relax

I've been told I am a relaxed mom. Chill. Laid back. Mostly recently, a friend told me this after hearing how I handled V. while she was throwing a fit in a fast food restaurant. I got out my phone and took a video of it. In the past, I've used these videos for teaching after she calms down. That didn't really happen this time. I only did it because I needed a way to stay calm. The phone let me watch her but also to have a buffer between us. I would have much rather dragged her butt out to the car and yelled at her for five minutes. That's the thing about being a laid-back momma. It is much, much harder than the alternative.

It is hard to model respect when your child is disrespectful. It is hard to model confidence when your child is putting you down. It sucks to let your child walk into a situation where they might get hurt physically or emotionally, knowing that the natural consequences will be a more effective teacher. If I seem relaxed, it's because I am working my a$$ off to seem that way, not because relaxed is my natural state. My natural state is terror.

PC and I have worked to establish wide open communication in our home. A very wise mom once told me, "No matter what your child tells you, don't react." V knows she can ask us or tell us just about anything. When V shares her feelings and experiences, our first response is usually interested neutrality. "That's interesting. Tell me more. Why do you think that happened the way it did?" It works. Painfully so. It is hard to listen to my child's deepest fears and sadness, articulated in excruciating 7-year-old bluntness, and not feel like a failure. How much easier it would be to minimize, gloss over or sugar coat when V feels fragile. Instead I choose to listen, ask questions and guide her toward healing.

At least, I do that about half of the time. The other half of the time I am a raving nag-a-holic, running around in a flurry of anxiety and overbearing-ness. What can I say, this relaxed mom is a work in progress.

Valentine's Day

Our family had a wonderful LOVE Day. I know many people think Valentine's Day is a contrived and false holiday, and it is! But I like it because it brings every one together in agreement that - even if just for one day - adults should be romantic toward the people they love and children should be nice to their friends.

This year PC, V and I worked together to make homemade valentines for every kid in her class. They were just cardstock hearts with stickers and ribbon on them, but I loved seeing V work to make each card unique and special for her classmates. During the school party, one little boy insisted he did not want the valentine V made for him. He kept trying to give it to someone else. He even tried throw it in the trash. But V's teacher was firm with him: "V made it and you're taking it home. Put it in your bag!" I love the message there. You are gonna get some love whether you like it or not. Isn't that how God is with us?

Last night we had a fancy dinner at home with fondue and baked chicken. V and I set the table with a red tablecloth and our wedding china. I let her drink out of a crystal goblet. When she saw how fancy the table was, she insisted that we all get dressed up. She made PC put on the purple tie she got him for father's day. I had to wear a dress (though I didn't take off my jeggings under it!). At dinner we told her the story of how we met in college and fell in love. We talked to her about the promises we made to each other when we got married. We explained how we rely on Jesus to help us keep our promises even when we get mad or tired. I hope when V grows up she will find a spouse as loving and supportive as I have found in PC.

The Year of No Lists

My name is a Wordy Girl, and I am a perfectionist. It has been 3 1/2 years since I realized my perfectionism was making me miserable - 3 1/2 years since I decided to get over myself. I found an online guru named FlyLady whose system of housekeeping and organizing is like a 12-step program for the chronically over-critical. Following her program for the past 42 months has me to a wonderful new breakthrough in my life: The Year of No Lists.

Remember early in January when I mentioned I hadn't made a to-do list yet in 2012? Well, it has stuck, at least for the first six weeks of the year. I have plenty of other ways of keeping my life on track. Routines, journals, files, prayer, habits and a very large wall calendar all play major supporting roles in my life. But what I don't have is that annoying, nagging, guilt-ridden, shame-filled list of burdens sitting around making me feel like I am not good enough.

You women out there know what I'm talking about. We all have a list of things we need to do, or think we need to do. I used to make lists all the time. I had a list of which lists needed to be done first. Every time I felt an imminent failure in my life - could be anything from running out of milk to missing a deadline at work - I would put it on a list. If I could cross it off the list, it would mean I didn't fail. Phew! I could look at the list and say, "Hey, I'm not such a bad person. Look at everything I did!" The problem was I was always in danger of failing at something. The list was never finished, and I was never satisfied with myself.

I wanted to be free from the list. I knew in my heart that my worth as a person didn't have jack crap to do with whether I remembered to purchase light bulbs or finish refinancing the house. I didn't want to be always focused on what I had failed to do so far. Thus, I committed to the year of no lists.

Here is how it works:

• I use FlyLady's system to keep my family clothed, fed, on time and out of debt. Instead of lists, I have her routines, habits, calendar and control journal to help me stay on top of the household. The control journal is kind of like a manual for the FlyLady system. It does have some lists in it, but they are more reminders of how to work the system than tasks you must and cross off.
• I pray. I pray each morning for God to put me in the places God needs me to be, doing the things God needs me to do. Throughout the day I breathe deeply and trust that if I haven't gotten something done yet, it will get done in God's time.
• I try to do things as soon as I remember them, rather than putting them on a list. Novel idea, huh?
• When I do remember something I need to do that can't be done right that moment, I try to figure out a way to remind myself without making a long list. Sometimes I use calendar items in my phone. Yesterday and today, I had to remember to purchase juice at the store and take it to Bible study. I bought juice that didn't have to be refrigerated so that I could leave it in a bag by the front door overnight. This morning, I just picked it up on my way out. No list needed.
• When I screw up, I forgive myself. I have found that other people are willing to forgive my shortcomings, so why shouldn't I?

I should note that I do still make grocery lists each week. Until I can learn to memorize all of the food in my pantry and fridge, that is one list I can't yet live without.

Living without a to-do list is hard. I am programmed to see life in terms of failure, not success. But little by little, I am learning to live in the freedom of the moment. Instead of thinking about everything else I could or should be doing, I enjoy the people I'm with and the places I go. I still have managed to get things done. I filed my tax forms with the accountant. I paid the rent. Those things are so important that I don't need to write them down to remember them. This week the school asked parents to bring desserts for teachers to eat after parent-teacher conferences. I forgot about it until today, the day after the desserts were needed. But I didn't sweat it, because so far this week I have spent some wonderful play time with my daughter - time I couldn't have enjoyed if I was worried about getting a pie made for school. In my life without lists, the things that are the most important always seem to get done.

With the band

I recently got a chance to play guitar and sing at church, and it rocked! That's me in the photo below playing my Fender Strat (you can't see it behind the music stand) and singing "Reaching for You" by Lincoln Brewster. Playing music again in church was so much fun.

I have been playing guitar since I was 12. My dad's family is very musical. My grandfather played guitar and fiddle (as they call the violin in Texas). My dad played lead guitar in a country band as a teen. He waxes nostalgic about spending every Friday and Saturday night of his youth in South Texas's honky tonks. He taught me to play almost the entire collections of Hank Williams Sr. and George Jones. I played in church and youth group bands ups until PC and I got married. Our last church had no shortage of talented musicians, so I chose to focus on other ministries instead. But when the opportunity came up to play at our new church, I decided to give it a shot.

In the last seven years, Christian artists have really upped their game and written music that not only conveys real emotion but also showcases their God-given talents. It's so nice to break free from the mold of all those songs in the 90s that had hand motions and only three chords. (You Christian musicians know what I'm talking about.) I'm looking forward to playing more of that great music with the talented folks at our new church.