The peace that passes understanding

Since December started, I have had such peace about our adoption. Nothing has changed, process-wise. Our documents have been awaiting adjudication by U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services for 12 weeks. I call their office weekly to ask for updates. Yesterday, I wrote to our congressman to enlist his help. One must do those things to advocate for one's child. But I try to do them in kindness and love, not anger and desperation.

Sometime in early December - before Sandy Hook - I heard an awful story on the radio about a child dying from cancer. The child's parents celebrated Christmas in September because they did not know if he would survive until Dec. 25. A switch flipped in my mind. I went from being upset about missing another Christmas with my daughter to being grateful for all of the many Christmases we have ahead of us. She is happy, healthy and safe. I have been to the orphanage where she lives, and it is a good place - the next best thing to living with us. I know sentiments like this one can sound trite. The old "at-least-you-have (something not as good as what you want)" argument is poor comfort to a person in despair. But I am for real. I feel saddened but not desperate. I have hope, and I know it's not just wishful thinking. Psalm 27:13 says "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

At this point in the adoption process, we receive tons of sympathy from our friends. So many people have offered comfort for what they assume is a terrible thing. (And they don't even know the half of it. In March, we will have been in the adoption process for three years!) I wish I could open a window to my heart so they could see how I really feel. It is hard to describe. Another verse in the Bible says, "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:17). This trial is real, but it is light and momentary compared to what God has planned for us.

I haven't decided whether I will keep blogging in 2013. I've had this blog for five years, and it's basically been semi-retired for the past year. Next year, in addition to bringing home Rosalineda, I have two exciting new projects. I am working to establish the first adoption program in Puerto Rico for stateside U.S. families. (If you want more details, e-mail me at LMLangdon at sbcglobal dot net) I will also begin writing a series of chapter books for elementary school children based on the Hurleyville DVD series. When I read the early posts from this blog, I can't believe how much I have changed in five years. I used to have daily fits about things like staple removers. I also felt the need to share my opinion about everything with everyone. Those rough edges are starting to round out. I feel steadier. I've realized that when I think I'm at the brink of disaster, I'm actually standing on the edge of something amazing.

Thank you and please

It's Thanksgiving season, and people are posting blurbs of thankfulness all over the Internet. Some of them are meaningful such as thankfulness for family and friends. Some of them are so simplistic I can't tell whether they're sarcastic. Thankfulness for a short line at the drive-thru? If you say so. As for me, I'm having a hard time getting excited about Thanksgiving. I'm thankful, of course, for my ALL of my blessings, from the pacemaker that keeps my congenitally damaged heart ticking to my wonderful family to the roof over my head. You know, everything I'm supposed to be grateful for. But I'm also painfully aware of what's not right in the world, particularly what's not right in my life. Our adoption has stalled with no explanation and no information about how long it will take to pass through this step of the process. I tried to have the most reasonable of expectations this time around. But even those very conservative expectations have been met with disappointment.

And it's not just that one thing. The past few months have felt like stepping in one pile of dog poop after another. In late September I started to feel inexplicably tired and irritable. I went from being in the best shape of my life to needing a nap or two every day. I thought maybe, just maybe I was, you know. *Pregnant* (said in a whisper voice). It turned out my pacemaker was running out of battery. I had to have surgery on very short notice, which was disappointing.

In August, V. and I had a chance to visit Haiti and see her birth parents. And it was very, very hard for her and me. I had hoped our visit would be similar to the ones we have had before, which were precious and lovely like a happy family reunion. But, disappointingly, it didn't go that way.

It might sound like I'm wallowing. Maybe I am a little. But I think, when you look at everything that's happened in the past few months, I am handling things very well. I have kept up my Bible reading, made new friends, continued exercising and generally kicked butt at life despite feeling pressed down by disappointment. I know that in the end (whether the end happens soon or much later), everything that has happened will work out for my benefit, as God has promised. But, in the meantime, I don't really feel like being all "thankful-this-and-thankful-that." My prayers right now sound like this:

God, I'm thankful for all the wonderful things you have given me so far. But there are some things you have given me - or not given me - that I'm NOT thankful for. I know someday I probably will be thankful for these things, but right now I am sad and angry and not understanding why it has to be so hard. Please help me along the way until I can come the place where I will truly thankful for everything.

What I really want is a Thanksgiving where I can be BOTH thankful and needy. Where I can say "thank you" but also say "please."

A new adventure (again)

Haiti, December 2011

Soon we will be a family of four. I don’t know exactly when, but sooner, rather than later, we will – with a big huge asterisk because nothing is ever final until it’s FINAL – adopt Vivine’s biological sister. Her name is Rosalineda (R for short?), she is almost 6 years old, and she lives in Haiti at House of Hope orphanage, where Vivine lived before we adopted her.

Before I go any further, know I’m not going to answer every question. I know people want details. When we were adopting Vivine, I wanted to share the details – to shout them from the virtual rooftops, even. I was scared and lonely and uncertain, and I talked about the adoption process incessantly as a way of seeking support and assurance from others. But it’s different this time. This time I have faith. I have lived through it and seen how marvelously God works as he knits families together, whether by birth or adoption. I don’t need to worry publicly – or privately – because I know God has got this. I just wish, oh how I wish, that I had trusted God the first time through. I went through years of needless heartache. My fretting did nothing to make the process go faster – in fact I think it made it seem much, much slower.

The process to adopt R has taken 29 months so far, and we probably still have a few months to go. Some of you reading this might be waiting for your own Haitian child and wonder how long it took us in each step of the process. If you to e-mail me, I will tell you privately. But I’m not going to go into it on the blog because overall it doesn’t matter. God is in control of this, not us and not the government. We are far enough in the process that we have started working on the few things we can control. We’re rearranging the house so each of the girls can have their own room. V has gotten new “big girl” décor in her room, and the precious pink-and-red heart quilt will be Rosa’s. I’ve gotten clothes together for her – I saved all of V’s clothes these 29 months in anticipation of her getting a little sister. Sadly, R has already grown out of some of the clothes I saved, but I’m thankful we have more than we need.

I’ve also dusted off the old attachment books and added a few new tools to our adoptive parenting toolbox. Christine Moers has given me invaluable (paid) advice about incorporating an older adopted child into a family of already-adjusted kids. I’m trying to get myself ready, too, to do the hard work of that initial bonding time when we first bring her home. I am a little nervous. I know that I can do it, but I’m anticipating some losses. I mean, I have got it so good right now. At 8:30 a.m. I put my well-adjusted child on the school bus until 4:20 in the afternoon. Some nights she runs out the door after dinner to play with her neighborhood friends, and I don’t see her again until almost bedtime. She is as trustworthy as a 7-year-old can be. Not that I am a disengaged parent – V and I still spend LOTS of time together. (This weekend she and I are driving to Dallas for a family wedding – just us girls!) But my time is mostly mine. And soon, it will belong to a scared little girl whose trust I will have to work very hard to earn. So, here we go on another adventure.

In the meantime, I am managing the adoptions of a handful of other families as part of my duties for Children of the World Adoptions. I am working very hard to bring their children home, too. We started our adoption pretty soon after the January 2010 earthquake in Haiti. In managing my own case, I have learned much that I have been able to use to help out my clients. But it is always difficult to see another family else get its child while you are still waiting for yours, so I am trying to share this news gently, and with respect for all the families out there who are waiting. Know that I will be faithful to the trust you have placed in me, and that God will be even more faithful to the end.

In the good ol' summer time

Summer vacation will end this coming Wednesday when V. starts Second Grade. We filled our summer with friends, family and fun. We spent five of our 12 weeks traveling to see loved ones in Texas, Missouri, Colorado and even Haiti. When we weren't traveling we swam, rode bikes, played with friends and made crafts. We had some major excitement when our car broke down on I-35 (thankfully PC was with us), leading us to purchase a used car the next week.

Holy crap I drive a station wagon now.

We said good-bye to our faithful dog, Bear. I should have written him a nice eulogy, but instead I'll just point you to recall some of his more memorable moments (here and here and here). Bear made his departure easy on us by passing away at the vet's while we were on vacation. A few weeks later, we got a new dog, Charlie, a 2 1/2 year old mutt from a rescue organization.

The new addition

He's a keeper.

Meanwhile, my work as an adoption facilitator kept me busy, too. It seemed like I spent every spare second I could grab on the phone or computer talking to people in Haiti or families in the U.S. Right now I am managing six adoptions, each of which has its own unique challenges. PC and V. and also my extended family whom I visited this Summer were very patient with me during the hours I spent working. I am very appreciative of their acceptance and grace.

To sum up the Summer, I tried to be committed 100 percent to every aspect of life, to not miss any opportunity to connect with old and new friends. How was your summer?

Garage sale

Today V and I hosted the first-ever Langdon family garage sale. The whole thing was V's idea to earn some spending money. At first she wanted to use the money to redecorate her room. Then she wanted to buy a dollhouse for her Barbies. By the time we started the garage sale this morning, she had already spent her earnings three times over in her head.

I have never had a garage sale because I would rather just dump my junk at a collection center than put in the work to organize, price and sell it. But I admired V's entrepreneurialism and her willingness to work for her money rather than just begging us to buy her new stuff. So we opened at 7 a.m. this morning for a one-day-only bonanza. We kept the sale brief, closing at 11 a.m. before the temperatures started soaring. I surprised V by letting her keep my share of the proceeds. Tomorrow is shopping day - turns out all she really wants is a new outfit from the mall and a trip to Toys R Us.

Lady Hoover Wanna-be Blanket

Today I sent this hand-knit blankie onto its new home. I was inspired to knit something like this long ago after reading in Knitty about a baby blanket knit by First Lady Lou Henry Hoover (click here for the article). I liked the idea of a simple, cushy blanket embellished with a satin ribbon.

For Baby W.

Instead of double-knitting like that brick Mrs. Hoover, I used a chunky yarn, large needles and garter stitch - the most basic knitting stitch - to achieve the desired level of cushy-ness. The pattern is the same as this simple dishcloth pattern; I just made it really big. The thick yarn knitted up real fast, and I got this blanket done in a mere three weeks. I think that's a land-speed record for me! I even finished it before the intended recipient was born, which also is unusual. I have started many-a baby blanket thinking I had plenty of time, only to have to turn "birthday" gifts into baptism gifts or Christmas gifts. Once I took so long to knit a baby sweater that the baby had grown out of it before I finished it.

In other knitting-related news, V. picked up some needles and yarn yesterday and insisted I teach her. In the past when I have tried to teach her to knit, she got bored before she got the hang of it. But this time, she stuck with it and perfectly knitted five 10-stitch rows. She got excited and started going on about making blankets and clothes for her Barbie dolls. I worry the delayed gratification of knitting will discourage her, but at least she is giving it a try!

Summer!

Whew! I didn't blog for almost two months, but it was NOT a break. Life was just too jam-cram-packed with living. Every day I wrote blog entries in my head, but ran out of time to put them on the computer. I'm ready to resume online journaling, though who knows how frequent my updates will be. It's summer, and there is just so much fun to be had! Here is some of what I've been doing:

Carrying on tradition, Lil' Sis graduated from Midland High School. We spent a week in Texas with the fam!

We went to Rocky Mountain National Park and saw a moose. We also saw most of PC's extended family.

During our Colorado vaycay, PC and I hiked up five miles into the mountains to a gorgeous, secluded lake, where PC caught his first fish with a fly rod. Then, even more amazingly, we hiked back down for a total of 10 miles in one day. Hu-ah!

On the way home from the Rockies, we stopped at Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs and climbed on some very large, unstable rocks. I did a great job at not freaking out too much.

Now V and I are spending our days gardening, watching movies and swimming when I am not on the phone or computer for Lynde Inc. The business has been quite demanding lately, but, hey, at least I am my own boss. My last jobby job was great, but I hated spending summer days in the office while V was out having fun without me. This summer I am trying to make up for lost time!